Fragmentation is the Norm...Wholeness is an Option!
I've been thinking a lot lately about the fragmentation of human beings: fragmentation between body and soul, fragmentation of the body itself. Societal imagery promotes fragmentation of the body by continually presenting photos of people as body parts only. We are bombarded with isolated body parts of women (breasts, flat stomachs, asses) in sexual poses. We see more and more images of six pack abs or giant pectoral muscles of men, and not much else. And my favorite, of course, a woman from the waist down, legs spread, a bottle of booze pointing up to her...get ready for it...vagina!
I am compelled to use the V word today in solidarity with Lisa Brown, the Michigan legislator who was banned from speaking on the house floor for a day because she used the word "vagina" in her protest of a bill that will severely restrict Michigan women's right to choose. The offensive sentence in her statement was, I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my vagina. But no means no. Scary times, my friends!
Fragmentation. As a self-hating teenage girl, I was simply made up of fat thighs, a flat chest, crooked teeth, and unruly hair. Perhaps I would not have spent six years of my precious life with my head in the toilet had I been able to see myself as an integrated human being. People cut themselves into parts all the time. It's difficult to have a conversation about bodies without hearing people say things like, My legs are okay, but I hate my stomach. I like my hair, but my legs are too fat. All I want is to have a flat stomach. I wish I had bigger muscles in my arms. My arms are too big. And on and on the chopping goes, setting people up for continual comparison with the body parts of others and with the imagery fed to us by advertisers who want our dollars. I want her legs. I want his abs. I want anything other than myself, is what I hear in these statements. I want perfection. Perfection being an airbrushed, Photoshop-enhanced, static image!
Wholeness. Why is it so elusive? Why is it so hard to keep our body parts integrated? One reason is we live in a society that values form over function, ideal beauty over true beauty. Another is that people believe they are the only ones who are imperfect. They see beauty in others but not in themselves. They are isolated with their beliefs about what constitutes beauty and with their reasons for not seeing their own beauty.
At The Body Positive, a primary purpose of our work is to break the isolation people experience in regard to body image and beauty. In our workshops, we have conversations about the conditions that promote fragmentation. We provide safe spaces for people to explore what it might be like to see themselves as whole human beings with great beauty, just as they are in the moment. We do activities that enhance people's experience of their bodies as whole entities, head to toe. We support people in seeing their own beauty and the beauty that is everywhere in other people, in nature, in the simple act of being alive, living on this amazing planet.
We start out whole, of this fact I am sure. I see little children all the time who are absolutely in love with ALL of their body parts. They live in amazement at what their little bodies can do as they learn each new skill. Then, the messages seep in, and one day they see only ugliness in their once beautiful bodies. Many have parents who see their own ugliness, so there is no one to model wholeness and real beauty. Others get lost once they go to school, listening to the self-hating comments of friends and believing they, too, are ugly and imperfect. Fragmentation begins...
I recently discovered a poem I wrote nearly ten years ago after having a conversation with a young woman about my passion for helping young people to grow up seeing their beauty, and offering them the option of returning to wholeness. The poem was written for girls, because at that time more girls were suffering over their bodies than boys. Sad to say, I find that more and more boys and young men are now experiencing great distress over the size and shape of their bodies.
I offer the poem to you with the hope that it inspires you to see great beauty in yourself today and every day to come! I hope you will be motivated to break the isolation of the people in your life who can't see their beauty; mirror back to these loved ones the way you see them in all their magnificent beauty, just as they are in this moment.
Breaking Isolation
I'm so ugly!
I'm too fat!
I wish I weren't so weird.
Why can't I be normal?
Why can't I be like everyone else?
A girl stands before her mirror asking,
Mirror, mirror on the wall
who's the ugliest girl of them all?
fattest girl
weirdest girl
stupidest girl
You are, of course, replies her mirror
What's wrong with you?
Everyone else is smart
and beautiful
and perfect
Why can't you be like them?
The voice of authority speaks
Another girl falls victim
to the evil image
embedded in her mirror by
Self Doubt
Cultural Mythology
Media Idolatry
Isolation
How I long to give
that girl
a hammer
with which to smash her mirror to smithereens!
A million shards of glass scatter at her feet
Diamonds, now
reflecting back to her
the brilliant human being she has always been
but could not see
Each fragment holding the potential
for this girl
to witness her soul
When she is finished
demolishing the voice of her unkind critic
when she can piece herself back together
in wholeness
in authentic beauty
and see these qualities reflected back to her
by the honorable people in her world
by her own mind
by the beauty in nature just waiting for her to take notice
then she will pass that hammer on
to the next girl
who will destroy her own
battered and abused reflection
And when this girl is done
she will hand that hammer to
her mother
her sister
her friend
and to each and every person
who can't see that the mirage
living in her mirror is just that
a false reflection of what is real
An illusion
a conjuring placed there
who knows when or for what reasons
One reason, though, is clear
No one has ever told the girl there are
true mirrors
in this world
and that these mirrors
self-love
soul expression
a gesture of kindness
real friends
these mirrors hold enough love
to counter any voice of criticism
no matter how harsh
No one has ever told the girl
she is not alone with her thoughts
and her self-degradation
that she is one of the majority
Beauty perceived in self
so rarely observed
in the females of the human species
A young woman once said to me,
How sad. It should be the opposite.
It should only be a handful who don't sew the seeds
of self-love every day of their lives.
Come together sisters
Talk amongst each other and
pass that hammer hand to hand
Inspired by Nikki
Breaking Isolation
©2003, Connie Sobczak
All rights reserved. This poem may not be copied or reprinted without express permission by the author. Contact connie@thebodypositive.org for permission.